


you and me (a broken promise)

by angstoverload (TypicalAuthornim)



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Cameo Lee Daehwi, Crying, M/M, Surgeon Jihoon, break-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 10:10:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16385969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TypicalAuthornim/pseuds/angstoverload
Summary: the heart is bound to suffer, and no one really knows how to ease its pain.alternatively: a life without another person can feel lost, but for jihoon its much more than lost— it's almost non-existent.





	you and me (a broken promise)

**Author's Note:**

> because angst is my forte and fluff is the one thing i do so bad :<  
> anyways im back with another fic for 2parkweek day 4! hope you like this one too~!

 

 

 

 

“ _let’s break up_.”

jihoon’s face stays the same– tired and exhausted, just wanting to sleep– but his heart is probably crying right now.

he sees woojin’s face, remembers the happy smile that always adorned his face. now stricken with a frown he wants to erase with a kiss.

yeah. it’s definitely crying.

he takes a deep breath, fists clenching and curling in, nails burying into his palm. he won't be surprised if it’s bleeding now. _did he trim his nails?_

“okay.” is what he says. _okay_ , is what he thinks.

 _okay_ is not what he feels like.

woojin approaches him, a hand stretched out and a face full of worry and regret.

jihoon moves away.

“jihoon, please– ”

“i said okay, park woojin.” jihoon says with a stern, almost strained voice. there’s a scream waiting to pierce his throat. “i never lie to you.”

that is true. jihoon has never lied to woojin. he isn't lying now, either. he really wants woojin to go, to be free.

it’s just that he just isn't ready yet.

“jihoon…”

“it’s okay, woojin. thanks for–” the words get stuck in his throat. “– for loving me. for letting me love you.” he pauses yet again, but this time, there's a small smile growing on his face. “now go.”

 

– — –

 

for few days, jihoon finds himself working at the hospital. it hasn’t been long since he had got the post of an assistant surgeon in the ER, and he’s determined to go up to be the head surgeon someday soon. saving lives was what he strived for, what he worked so much for. ignoring his life for a break-up sounded and felt stupid.

for the few days, jihoon finds himself _only_ working. he hasn’t stepped out of the ER block, not even to get food. he either tells an intern to go get him food, or he just starves himself.

his stomach is growling loud, and he’s scheduled for a appendicitis surgery in fifteen minutes. jihoon thinks he can pass this time and maybe get food later.

“ready, jihoonie?”

jihoon turns around to find daniel, and smiles weakly in greeting. “yeah, sunbae.”

“i’ve told you to just call me daniel. sunbae sounds so old, i’m still young.” daniel pouts, and jihoon chuckles.

“i have to, you know. we're in the block, after all.”

daniel keeps frowning all the way to the operation theater, where jihoon collects his coat and gloves.

“you left your ring on,” daniel points out. “ _again_. how many times have i told you already?”

jihoon strains a smile and takes the ring off, trying to let his mind take over his consciousness.

the memory flows in, anyway.

 

— – —

 

_“woojin, where are you–  hey!”_

_“careful, jihoon!”_

_“i would be if you tell me where we're going!”_

_“just a few more steps– ” woojin says and stops him once they presumably reached the destination. “–  here. don’t open your eyes!”_

_“your palms are sweaty as–”_

_“shush!” woojin says. jihoon hears footsteps fade out, and wonders if he's going to be pranked. woojin always loved that, pranking others._

_“woojin?” he calls out, arms sticking out. he doesn't know why he doesn’t open his like like woojin told him to. “park woojin!”_

_“one minute!” comes in woojin’s voice, and a loud chuckle follows it. “you look stupid.”_

_“shut up, i’m blind now”_

_“just a minute, birthday boy.”_

_jihoon waits patiently as woojin ruffles this and that, slowly getting excited for whatever that was prepared._

_“there,” woojin sighs at last. “open your eyes.”_

_jihoon does so, taking time to adjust the blurry sight, and sees a dinner table set out with food and a candle. he looks for woojin before him, until he feels arms wrap him from behind, a voice whispering beside his ear. “happy birthday, boyfriend.”_

_“_ wow _,” jihoon exclaims in a whisper. “you prepared all of this?”_

_“not without a little help, but yes, i did do all of this myself.”_

_jihoon couldn't help but tear up a little. a candle light dinner was one of his romantic dreams, and to get that come true by his boyfriends? this is all he could ever ask for._

_“t-thank you,” he whispers, trying hard to not cry. he isn't going to ruin his best day by crying, no._

_“happy birthday,” woojin says, holding out a small box before jihoon. “open it.”_

_jihoon does so, only to find a ring inside. he feels ecstatic, but also wary. they’ve been in a relationship for almost four years now, but the thought still worries him._

_“it’s a promise ring,” woojin clarifies, probably seeing jihoon’s worried face. “my promise to you.”_

_“what is it?” he asks, looking into woojin’s eyes._

_woojin places a chaste kiss on his lips. “to never stop loving you.”_

 

— – —

 

“–  jihoon!”

he shakes his head and blinks in confusion, finding himself outside the operation theater. daniel is shaking his shoulders back and forth, trying to get his attention.

“y-yeah,” he stutters as he feels something trickle down his cheeks. he assumes for it to be sweat. “let’s- let’s go.” he says and walks right inside.

he doesn't see daniel standing outside, looking at the ring which had fell from jihoon’s hands, and back at him with worry.

 

– — –

 

jihoon only searches for the ring out of habit. he usually puts it in his coat, and always checks for it right as he comes out of a surgery. it’s a kind of reassurance for him, a strength that he holds on to.

this time, he doesn't find it.

for a moment, he’s flustered, his heart beat picks up as he searches for it furiously. he had never lost it, not even once.

he’s almost close to crying when everything hits him back with full force. the events of that night. how exhausted they both looked, not just from work, but from the relationship too.

jihoon realizes that woojin failed to keep the promise.

he doesn't know what takes over him, but he keeps searching for it, tears never stopping on its way down. he probably looks stupid now, but he doesn't bother.

“jihoon?” daniel cones from behind him, flustered when he sees jihoon crying. “jihoon what happened?”

“t-the ring,” he whimpers out, probably sounded pathetic even to himself. “i-i lost th-the ring.”

daniel looks as him with worry, and holds his shoulder. “jihoon, i ha– ”

“i-ve never l-lost it,”

“jihoon listen to me– ”

“where is it? i ne-need to– ”

“it's with me, jihoon!” daniel outright yells, startling jihoon.

jihoon sees daniel fumble in his coat pockets before taking something out. “here, it’s here.”

jihoon finds himself relaxing at the sight of the silver band, but the tears don't stop. he tries, but they don't stop.

they flow, flow, flow, like how time did.

and now, here he stands, looking at the lost time with regret.

“jihoon, it’s right here, why are you–”

“i-i lost–” wording it out loud makes it even more real. “– i lost _him_.”

 

– — –

 

jihoon doesn’t realize when he comes to his office room, or when he falls asleep. all he remembers is crying a lot. and hugging.

there's a throbbing headache that annoys him. he just lies back, trying to go back to sleep, but he finds himself staring at the top bunk. his room had a bunk bed, although he barely remembers who he shares it with. he isn't here most of the time, anyway, and the other person just never seemed to stay. he wonders if he actually shares it with anyone.

“you woke up,” a familiar voice flows through, and he tilts his head a bit to find daniel on top of the bed, grinning at him.

“you share the bunk bed?”

“what— no, my room is with dongho hyung.” daniel clarifies. “wasn’t this room always empty though?”

jihoon shrugs. “i’ve never seen them, but apparently someone shares this one with me.”

“i never saw any other name than yours, jihoon.” daniel replies, getting down the ladder. “how do you feel?”

jihoon frowns at that— he still can't remember what happened before. “fine,” he says, and daniel leaves it at that. strangely, he doesn't ask any other question, or just doesn't look at him at all.

if there’s something that daniel isn't talking about, jihoon’s glad for it. his face is suddenly really dry, his eyes puffy and bleary and hurting. he tries to remember what happened, but all he gets is a blank memory of a ring.

a ring.

 _the ring_.

he feels his hand for the ring, and finds it there, secure around his ring finger. he doesn't know why he freaked out so much when he thought of it, almost as if he...

this whole moment feels so surreal to him.

“hey, let’s go out?” daniel asks, somehow already changed into a casual outfit. jihoon wonders if daniel’s lying and is actually the one rooming with him. “i’m craving chicken today. what about you?” daniel asks, but puts out a hand. “you always crave chicken, don't you?”

jihoon chuckles and nods, still feeling a bit tired. “but i don't wanna go out,” he whines, stretching out on the bed comfortably.

daniel shakes his head with a smile, one that jihoon finds charming. daniel could pass for a top star model if he put in the effort, jihoon thinks. “i’ll get you your food. wait here, okay?”

jihoon nods and lies back comfortably on the bed, almost immediately sleeping again.

he, again, doesn't see daniel stand outside, looking at him with a face full of worry.

 

— – —

 

_jihoon wakes up to an empty room yet again._

_it is pretty rare that he spends some time at his own apartment rather than his room in the hospital, now that he had finished his internship and joined the faculty. it was tiring, the timeless work and endless hours stretching into oblivion, but he somehow went through all of them. he went through all those hours with woojin in mind, thinking how he would be happy in his arms._

_but it had been the opposite; at least for a few days, to say the least._

_he sees the usual post-it stuck to his study table, and takes it in his hand._

_‘breakfast’s on the table. i’ll be back by 8! ♡’_

_the note was the only thing that made jihoon smile in the morning._

_(woojin would've made him smile even more.)_

_but still, waking up to an empty room always disappointed him. it meant a lot of things to him— loss of time, of morning kisses and cuddles, of the sun rising its way up warmly, of woojin._

_never did he expect that it would be the day for him to lose his everything._

 

— – —

 

jihoon wakes up with cold sweat, breaths short and hitched.

he’s scared, and he doesn't know why.

he looks around frantically, searching for something that would help him calm down. he never thought of stuff like this. he’s clueless on why he feels like this when nothing happened.

(he knows what happened.)

he clutches his pillow, burying his face into it till he finds it unable to breathe. it’s better to think of nothing than _something_ — he could at least not be afraid of whatever it is.

“jihoon— _oh my god_ ,” daniel comes in after a while, which jihoon doesn't know the reason for. “jihoon, what are you—! stop it, jihoon!”

jihoon finds the pillow being yanked away from him, and reaches out for it.

“jihoon, please—! park jihoon, look at me!”

he freezes at the loud voice. daniel never shouts, not even once. he has never heard the elder raise his voice for anything.

he looks right at daniel, straight into his eyes, and feels tears spring up yet again.

“h-hyung—” he hiccups, lowering his head. “i lost him, hyung. i-i don't know how— without him,”

there. he feels light, now that he had finally spelled it out loud.

“jihoon, what—” he buries himself into the closest space he could find, the tears finally falling down. he could feel an arm around him, secure and comforting.

(but not woojin’s.)

“jihoon…” daniel trails off, sounding unsure. “look at me.”

jihoon does, but finds himself unable to keep the contact. it’s hard, because he finds pity towards him. which makes everything even more real; more true.

“did you… break up? with woojin?”

there it is.

he gulps, clutching the pillow once again. his eyes are burning, he feels hot and light all over.

he nods once, then continues to nod till the latter places a hand on his shoulder.

“i-i’m—” daniel starts, and jihoon knows what he’s gonna say. he doesn't stop him, anyway. “i’m sorry, jihoon.”

jihoon laughs. his eyes crinkle, his lips pull upwards.

his heart plunges down deeper.

“why’re you sorry, hyung?”

daniel doesn't reply, only tightening his grip on jihoon’s hand. reassurance, comfort.

jihoon feels the cold metal of the ring press harder against his skin, and he feels like crying again.

 

— – —

 

it would be a lie to say if things weren't awkward between him and daniel after that evening. it became hard to even look at each other at times, all the truth spoken out loud really overwhelming. it’s heavy, the eyes full of worry directed towards him.

jihoon should be thankful, but he is instead angry. angry that there is a reason for this; that everything is so true now.

that woojin really left him.

 

daniel forces him to go back to his apartment after three weeks of holing at his office room in the hospital, and although the awkwardness stayed between them, jihoon thanked him before packing his stuff up and boarding a cab.

it feels like he’s going on a vacation, honestly.

the cab pulls up before the apartment sooner than he thought, sooner than he got himself ready. he pays the driver with a curt smile and looks up, straining his neck to see the last floor of the high apartment building.

he tries to remember the place as he makes his way up.

it’s exactly how it was when he left, except the void in the shape of park woojin is more visible now. the closet cleared out of most of woojin’s clothes, the bed empty, and no sticky notes to greet him.

there it is, he’s facing the truth right now.

he stares blankly at the bed they shared, or used to at least. he doesn't feel anything, except that it’s empty.

he lies on the bed for god knows how long, staring into space with no thoughts. it’s actually therapeutic, having no thoughts. numbing himself to everything.

he lies on the bed, trying to remember the times he had slept happily. they were too much to count; too much to bear.

he opens the closet again, taking some new clothes and stuffing it into his bag. he knew he had to stay for a week again at the hospital: not because of his hesitation, but because going back and forth would exhaust him.

after he takes the last shirt, he closes the closet door, only to see a piece of paper sticking out. he takes it out, opening the folded sheet and looking at what's inside.

he could immediately recognize that it is woojin’s handwriting. he reads it with a heart running miles and a lump lodged in his throat.

the words are very simple; there's not much written there, either. it says this:

 

_Thank you for letting me love you. Sorry that I couldn't keep the promise of loving you forever. I’m always here, though. You know that, right?_

_Yours._

 

 _that is so woojin_ , jihoon thinks with a laugh, folding it back neatly and burying it deep under the shirts. he doesn't feel anything at all, too numb to think anything.

he goes to the kitchen, taking one of the ramen packets and cooking it. it boils slowly, warming up the house by a small bit. jihoon finds himself staring at it, unable to think of anything else.

he’s setting down the ramen on the table in the living room when there is a series of knocks on the door. he moves to open the door, only to find the one person who didn't want to see stand there.

woojin.

he could see that woojin is just as breathless and surprised as he is, and they keep staring at each other for a while.

jihoon takes time to scan the other, remembering how he had special dance sessions on sundays, twice in a month. he had lost count of the amount of videos that he had watched, every time amazed by how _good_ woojin is while dancing. woojin’s in track pants and a loose-fitting white tee, small trails of sweat still visible.

“jihoon,” it’s woojin who breaks the atmosphere, breathing amplified to clarity.

for a while, he just stares. stares, stares, and stares; tries to find something, _anything_ that he found within himself.

“jihoon,” woojin calls yet again, and that is when he realizes that he’s blocking the way.

he doesn't speak. he doesn't utter a word, and could have not even breathed if he could afford it. woojin steps in, rubbing his palms against his pants over and over.

“i-i came to take my stuff.”

jihoon only nods curtly, sitting on the couch. on the edge of his seat, actually.

he sees woojin walk inside, take the remaining of his stuff. jihoon doesn't even notice that it takes him much more time than necessary to come out, because from what he remembers there were only very few things left. that meant woojin had visited more than once, taking his things from the house to his new place.

jihoon could only dare to smile. woojin was happy, and that made him happy, even if a bit. even if he wasn't exactly happy, he’s glad that woojin is. he’d hate it if both of them were suffering together, yet far away.

woojin finally comes out, a small duffel bag now filled with whatever was left of his things.

“i… i’ll be leaving, hoonie.”

it sends a dull sting to jihoon’s heart, the nickname. he closes his eyes, calms himself down before facing him again.

“bye, woojin.”

he hopes it’s the last goodbye he has to say to him.

there are no more words spoken, but woojin stands there for a few minutes, as if glued to the floor.

the slightest hope of woojin staying back for good rises in jihoon’s mind, but he disposes of it immediately.

“you… you read the letter,” woojin says, pointing at the paper on the couch.

jihoon takes a deep breath; nods curtly. _leave_ , he begs in his mind. _please, don't stay_.

“jihoon…” woojin starts, but jihoon stands up abruptly, marching towards the kitchen. he fills a glass of water, chugging it down, ignoring the lump rising in his throat. the water burns like alcohol, and for a moment jihoon wishes it was alcohol instead. he could at least blame it on being high enough to hallucinate.

“jihoon, listen to me.” woojin continues even if jihoon does nonsensical things like rearranging the plates, cleaning the sink, checking the cupboards for nothing. _why doesn't he get the fucking hint_ , he thinks angrily, trying hard to maintain his indifferent face.

“i didn't _want_ to leave, jihoon.” he stresses, the bag falling from his hand. “but if i stayed, we’d only be ruining each other. i left because i wanted _you_ to be happy; we both knew we didn't love each other anymore.”

“please go, woojin,”

“don't think i left you selfishly,” woojin continues, walking towards jihoon. “i left you because the time was over.”

“love never falters,” jihoon grits through clenched teeth, the pent up frustration bubbling all at once. “it is something which lasts forever.it doesn't go away,” he pauses to breathe. “ _you_ were the one who told that.”

“yeah i did!” woojin yells suddenly, and jihoon flinches. “i did! and i admit, i was wrong!”

“then _why_ did you give that damned promise!”

“ _because i loved you!_ ”

jihoon takes a step back, closing his eyes. he could almost _feel_ the latter’s anger, his own frustrations.

“i promised you to love forever, because it seemed easy back then.”

jihoon feels like everything is closing in on him, but at the same time he feels uncomfortably free.

“it seemed like i could love you forever, because you were someone i would want for _lives_.”

“and i’m now not the same?”

“jihoon, please understand. it’s not you, it’s _me_ who’s at fault. _i_ was the one who loved you too much that i couldn’t do it anymore. _i_ was the stupid who thought i am not enough for someone like you.”

jihoon finds himself shuddering, shaking, letting tears slip down the crevices of his tightly closed eyes. he doesn't have to see to know woojin is crying as well. he knows him too much, knows what even the slightest of a different move could mean.

“you… you know what? you deserve someone who could love you without boundaries; someone who is ready to spend eternities with you. and i am not the one, jihoon.” he hears every breath that woojin takes with difficulty. “i’m not the one. i’ll never be the one. i’m… i’m too afraid to commit myself to that. i’m selfish, and i was afraid of breaking myself, of losing myself to be perfect for you.”

jihoon stands there, feeling every drop of strength leave his body. “h-how could even think that you aren't enough?”

“i didn't think, i _knew_ it, jihoon. i’m not someone fit for you. i’ll never be that person; i’ll only pull you down with me if i stayed. and what was the point even; i don’t love you like i used to.”

the last of strength in his body escapes him, and so does the will to keep a straight face.

“that’s why, jihoon. that’s—”

“get out,” jihoon tells, voice harsh and almost strangled.

“jihoon...”

“leave, woojin.” he says, sounding almost like he’s begging. “please.”

woojin looks like he wants to say something, anything, but jihoon only stares back at him, eyes blurred with tears. woojin takes his duffel bag into his hands and walks out, his footsteps carefully and awfully silent.

once jihoon locks the door, he lets everything out.

he cries, cries, cries till he feels like he’s being ripped apart, like he’s falling into an endless black hole of despair. like he’s lost the one thing which kept him going.

on the other side, he can hear woojin. crying, just like him. the selfish heart of his is relieved that woojin just might be suffering as much as him.

 

— – —

 

jihoon doesn't realize that he hadn’t even had anything to eat; at least not until his stomach claws at his mind for food.

he tries getting up, but even that feels heavy now.

he still doesn't quite remember _how_ he ended up on his bed, when he clearly remembers crying against the door last night. no matter how much he racks his brain, he could get nothing out of it. all he gets is a blank line.

trying not to bother himself with the fact, he pushes himself to get out of the bed and walk out, straight to the kitchen.

it seems strangely… strange. everything’s suddenly organized; even the plates he had been meaning to wash up.

he tries not to bother, tries to stop his tears from falling again. one manages to escape anyway, but he is quick to wipe it away and call it a day.

he notices his phone on the dining table when the screen lights up, the lockscreen flooded with notifications.

_from: daniel hyung_

_hey hoonie!_

_what are you doing?_

_had dinner?_

_u there?_

_i wanna talk to uuuu_

_: < _

_anyways take rest!! also text me back :*_

 

he finds himself smiling at the messages, heart feeling lighter and easier. he feels _better_ than last night; or than most of the times.

 

_to: daniel hyung_

_hello hyung!_

_i think i slept off yesterday…_

_that’s why i didn't see ur texts_

 

he keeps his phone down with content, turning back to look at the kitchen. it’s clean, in a way that’s familiar.

he tries to breathe through the waves crashing against him. _in, out, in, out_ —

he’s almost startled by the phone ringing, and almost falters in his stand. he answers the call, too tired to remember to read the caller id.

“ _jihoonie hyung!_ ”

a sharp pang goes through his heart. “yeah, daehwi,”

“ _how are you? and woojin hyung?_ ” daehwi asks, and jihoon does not have the heart to tell him about what happened. him calling the two from his busy college schedule in the states is rare enough; he doesn't want to ruin his happiness about them. after all, he was the one who made them confess.

“we’re…” he grits his teeth; _here comes the lie_. “we’re fine, daehwi.” he forces a smile as well, just to make sure it sounds believing, although he doesn't quite get how smiling would work in his voice.

“ _are you tired? wait, is it night there? i didn’t really check the time_ —”

“no, no, it’s around noon. why? do i sound tired?”

“ _yeah, it's very obvious_ .” daehwi replies, and jihoon realizes his voice might betray him. “ _hope your work is easy, hyung. i mean, being a doctor is never easy, but still,_ ”

“yeah, thanks daehwi.”

he listens to the younger talk about a lot of trivial, yet exciting things ( _“so i met this guy in a senior’s party—” “don’t tell me you’re already dating!” “_ shush _! we’re just seeing each other. sam’s a nice guy to be around” “so his name is sam.” “samuel, actually. he’s from korea too.”_ ). it takes his mind off other things— more like, _one_ thing.

“ _it was nice talking to you, hyung._ ” he says, and jihoon can't help but smile. “ _oh, and where’s woojin hyung? is he around?_ ”

jihoon takes a sharp breath in. “n-no, he went outside.”

“ _oh… tell him to talk to me when he comes back! i miss seeing the both of you together_.”

when the call ends, jihoon is left with a feeling of emptiness and exhaustion.

 

— – —

 

jihoon finds himself buried in pending work from the two days he had took off, and that's a distraction good enough to take his mind off things.

he is sleepy by the time he reaches the last set of files, and he doesn't even realize that he dozes off. he barely thinks about the uncomfortable position he's in, or how he’ll have a very bad pain in his neck when he wakes up.

he doesn’t wake up until the smell of coffee wafts throughout the room, his cravings having intensified these days.

“well, good morning, jihoonie,” he is greeted by daniel holding two cups of coffee in his hand, and jihoon wants to cry. almost.

“thank you,” he croaks out as he reaches for the cup, but pouts when it only goes far away.

daniel chuckles at him trying to reach for the coffee cup, and shakes his head. “nope, i’m not giving it to you unless you agree.”

“to _what?_ ”

“first, to get out of this room and to somewhere nicer than… this room,” daniel says and walks towards the door, probably knowing that jihoon would follow him, even if it is just for the coffee.

“i’m out, now give me my coffee—”

“nope, you still haven't agreed to my deal.”

“which is?”

“go out with me,”

jihoon freezes in his place, surprised at what daniel had said. and maybe daniel realizes it too, because his eyes widen after a long few seconds.

“n-not like that! just… my friend got these tickets for a musical, and he won't make it tomorrow; something about going to japan to see his boyfriend…” he trails off, scratching his head. “anyways! i wanted someone to go with because i really don't wanna waste a ticket… and i wanted to go with you somewhere once.”

the last few words are almost incoherent, but if anything, it echoes in jihoon’s ears.

“why not?” he finds himself saying, maybe a bit too swiftly, for someone who had just broke up. “i mean! i wanted a break too… and this could be a good chance.”

daniel clears his throat rather loudly, almost startling jihoon. “so, tomorrow then?”

jihoon looks at the tickets in daniel’s hands; wonders if it is a good idea. he nods, a smile creeping up his lips.

“yeah.”

 

— – —

 

the day out with daniel was, in simple words, _fun_.

jihoon is not sure which part of it was fun: the musical, or the drive to it; the stop at hongdae, or the street stalls they ate from; the ride back home, or the words they spoke through the time.

all jihoon knows is that he likes it a lot, and it makes him feel a bit lighter.

“today was nice,” he finds himself saying, sitting inside the car, reluctant to step out. he wants to stay in this happy bubble for as long as possible; he doesn't want this to end. “thank you.”

“just doing a good work,” daniel laughs, hands automatically reaching for jihoon’s.

it feels like everything that is happy in the world. jihoon feels the touch linger on his skin for longer than expected, a sliver of a tingle reminding him of his happiness. “but really, thanks a lot. i…” he finds himself hesitating; wonders if he really wants to. “i felt happy today.” he says, finally, a smile playing across his lips to say the same.

“i’m glad, jihoonie.” daniel replies simply, the smile widening.

for a while, jihoon just sits there, beside daniel, wondering if he should let his hands go.

“hoon,” daniel calls, probably to tell him to go to his house. after all, they can only wait here for so long.

jihoon does not know what takes over him, but one moment he is leaning forward. and the other?

his lips are locked perfectly with daniel’s.

it’s in harmony, the way their lips move and slot in perfectly. almost like they are made for each other. jihoon feels himself falling into the feeling, more and more till he feels breathless, almost close to drowning.

just like all the times it was with woojin.

the thought makes jihoon let a single tear slip out, after which he pulls away hurriedly. he sits there, now leaning as far away as possible, and breathes heavily.

he feels guilty.

“ji—”

jihoon hurriedly unlocks the car and dashes out, not even staying to send him off. he dashes straight up the stairs, _one two three… twenty, twenty one_ — and almost crashes himself against the door if not for the keys jingling in his pocket and reminding him that the house is locked.

he stutters to open it, his eyes blurring repeatedly and him holding them back— _don't cry, don’t fucking cry here, go inside and_ — as he tries to push the keys in properly. he hears the car drive away then, an echo amidst the loud silence of the night.

he finally slots the key inside and opens the door, almost tripping over. he slams the door shut behind him, leans against it, trying to hold it back.

he cries anyway.

he sits there, gasping for air as a brook of salty, guilt-filled tears stream down and soil the floor, his shirt, his _heart_.

“i-i—” he croaks out, hands reaching out to feel at least the phantom feeling of a palm holding his. “— _miss you_.”

 

— – —

 

he does a pretty good job of avoiding daniel, asking for more surgeries, even check-up rounds which he usually doesn't do, just _anything_ to avoid having his heart scream at him again.

it has only been a _month_ since the break up happened. one month since his apartment has been empty, since his heart has been empty, lacking the love of a particular snaggle-toothed guy.

one month is too early to even think of another relationship to commit to, but here's daniel, wanting him to do just the opposite.

daniel is everything jihoon expected him to be, but he didn't think his heart would end up latching onto him. admittedly, that day he spent with daniel was one of his happiest days, maybe even more.

in a way, he feels like he’s betraying woojin. their love. he stares at the ring resting on his table, the promise glaring right back at him.

he sighs, closes the file, and lets his head lean back, almost bending out from the edge. he doesn't mind the discomfort; at least it distracts him.

“jihoon.”

he falls down. literally, because he feels the handle of the table drawer hit his elbow. he yelps in pain, noticing crimson red seep through the doctor’s coat.

he also sees daniel right beside, hurriedly pulling the younger up and away from any more injury. “are you fine? does it hurt a lot?”

jihoon almost squirms under his touch. “i-i’m fine, really.” he replies.

daniel looks at him for a second longer than anyone normally would, and shakes his head. “come with me.”

and jihoon has no say, really, because his elbow is stinging so much and he knows he has to tend to it. and he doesn't exactly want to argue with daniel _now_ of all times. and so he just lets daniel walk him around to his own office. waits till the latter pulls out a first-aid kit and makes him sit on his bed, preparing the kit.

“you should be careful, hoonie,”

jihoon doesn't realize that he winces at the name more than the pain, but it's easier to pretend it's because of the latter.

jihoon sits there, awkwardly staring everywhere else but at daniel as the elder finishes dressing his arm. it doesn't take that long, but jihoon would like to be anywhere else but with daniel right now. he hasn’t exactly sorted his feelings out yet, and he still feels guilty.

“jihoon,” daniel says, just as he keeps the kit back in his desk drawer. “what happened?”

“h-huh?” he asks sheepishly. “i-i fell down.” he says.

“not that, jihoon. you know it’s not that.” daniel replies. “that night… what happened?”

jihoon visibly gulps in nervousness, eyes wavering. “n-nothing happened. wha-what are you—?”

“jihoon, stop avoiding the question.” daniel sighs. “why are you avoiding me?”

“i’m-i’m not avoiding you!”

daniel doesn't reply, and that’s enough proof that he knows jihoon is lying.

“did i… do something wrong?” daniel asks, looking at his fingers. “because i-if i did anything wrong, please tell me. i-i won’t do it again.”

“no!” jihoon replies. “it isn't you! trust me, it's not you… i’m the one at fault.”

well. he's already halfway through dropping his facade, so might as well go ahead with it.

“jihoon?”

“that day… i loved it. but… i didn't want to. it-it felt like cheating, hyung. like i was cheating all the years i was with him. i-i didn't like it; i didn't _want_ us to break up, but… but then…” he could feel something warm well in his eyes, but he also sees daniel so nothing. “but then it _happened_ and i have no clue how to _be_ heartbroken; i feel like i’m betraying myself by being happy. i-i just miss him a lot, but i also know i have my own life, but i don't know anything _without_ him. he— woojin has always been there for me, and now—”

there it comes. the breakdown. it’s like everything he expected but also everything he _didn't_ , so it's really hard for him to stop. he doesn't know how, and that makes him cry even more.

daniel does absolutely nothing, just sits there and watches. or doesn't watch; jihoon sees him turn his head away.

“i-i’m sorry—” he manages to say without violently crying again. “i-i just— i don't know what to do, or how to do. i’m r-really sorry.”

“jihoon,” daniel finally, _finally_ speaks up. “maybe i don't understand your situation because i’ve never dated someone as deeply as you did—” jihoon chuckles at that. “but i’m willing to give you space. if you need time, i won't do anything. but please… please don't push me away. just tell me that you need time, and i’ll give you that. even if you don’t-don't accept it… i’m fine with it. i’m fine as long as we talk.”

jihoon gives it a thought. it doesn't sound all that bad. “i-i need space,” he says almost hurriedly. “but… will you help me move on? i-i just— i just want someone beside me through… _this._ ” he asks the first thought in his mind. he knows he cannot go through this alone, and something inside him told daniel would be better than anyone else. at least for now. “please?”

daniel smiles. “sure.”

 

– — –

 

it's a process, jihoon realizes as the days go by.

yes, being without woojin, having a void perfectly shaped as him does hurt, but he thinks he is getting better at it. being without him. and even though daniel is filling the void, bot by bit, it isn't quite perfect. there is still something left out, something so visibly empty that still pains him. but he think he will get better.

it's a process, one that should run smoothly enough, and jihoon needs space more than anything. and jihoon hopes that one day, he will be fine enough to accept the absence.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> as always, do leave comments below! also find me on twt [@typical_fangrl](https://www.twitter.com/typical_fangrl) and yell at me there if you want to hehe


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